2 Quotes

I have two quotes along with my thoughts on them, to share today with you, the world.  The first is from Rabbi Kook, first chief Rabbi of Israel, and the second from the late Lubavitcher Rebbe.
First quote:  "Just as poetry has rules, rules have poetry."
Thoughts:  My first thought, and one echoed by my wife is that this is a beautiful quote.  My second thought, is I feel this sums up Judaism.  Judaism has the spiritualness to take a person higher and higher, until he can almost just touch Hashem as it were.  However, in order to access that spiritualness, one has to follow the rules of the game, or else it doesn't work.  There are no shortcuts when it comes to coming closer to Hashem.  Many non religious Jews see Judaism as just being about rules, do this, don't do that, etc.  Rules are important, and they are meant to keep us safe, however within the rules there is a lot of beauty and poetry.  I think davening is a great example of this.  My wife and i have been to two different shuls in our little neighborhood for friday night services, with a little bit of difference for style the davening was the exact same basic formula, and just like I would have davened at home, the Amida is just as it always was on Friday night.  It's a rule and it's beautiful.
Second quote: "The wax is the body and the wick is the soul.  Bring the flame of Torah to the soul, then the body will fulfill the purpose for which it was created.  And that is what I try to do-to ignite the soul of every Jew and Jewess with the fire of Torah, with the passion of our tradition, and with the sanctity of our heritage, so that each individual will fulfill the real purpose for which he or she was created."  It was then asked of the Rebbe, "Has the Rebbe lit my candle?"  "No, I have given you the match.  Only you can light your own candle."
Thoughts:  Wow, just wow this means you are the keeper of your own flame.  It is up to you how much you feed it, and for how long.  One thing I would add is that the oxygen is prayer, without prayer there really is no Torah, no continuous life giving force to keep the flame going.

Bloodlines and battle lines

Today my yeshiva program had a field trip to the Cave of our Patriarchs in Hebron.  Hebron, happens to be heavily Arab and in the West Bank.  However, Hebron has always been one of Judaism's holiest cities, this is the city David called home, and this is where Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, and Jacob and Leah are buried.  Also, according to legend is Eisav's head.  For thousands of years Jews called Hebron home, and prayed by their Forefathers.  Even when it became a mosque (the Muslims have a history of converting other religions holy establishments into mosques after they are conqured, they still do it today...) and the Jews where allowed to only go up to seven steps towards the building they still prayed there, pouring out the hearts and beseeching the One above for His mercy.  Jews had a continual presence in Hebron up until about 1929 when the famous massacre occurred.  After that, and especially after Hebron fell into Jordanian hands after 1948, Jews did not live in Hebron or get to pray by their Fathers until after 1967, where Jews could finally go into the building, and pray like humans.  Surrounding this little part of Hebron is a security fence guarded by the army of Israel, as the Arabs would happily kill us Jews for even daring to look at their precious mosque.  Inside, there is calm, peace, and tranquility.  One gets a sense of awe being in such a holy and special place, and realizes that they really are the child of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  We really did descend from these holy men, we really do share the same bloodline.  Furthermore, when you think about it, that means that God must love me as much as He loves them, for we are all Jews, and whether one does what God asks or not, He still loves us, wants us to return to Him, and be holy, like our holy Parents.  One more thing to take from all this, God told Abraham his children would be like the stars in the sky, which means you and I are both stars in God's sky.  Time to act like it.

יד ושם

Walking through Yad Vashem, reminds me of of the words of Psalm 23, "Though I walk through the valley of death, I fear no evil for you are with me."  When you look at the pictures shown at Yad Vashem, read the words of those that survived, those that died, and those that perpetrated the acts, you realize just how much evil there is in the world.  Many people lost their way because of the Holocaust, and as someone who only knows what happened because of pictures, testimonies, and seeing the remnants of the camps, judgement is not possible.  Today, my wife and I went to Yad Vashem, and it made me realize how far short of my potential I am.  There was a video of a camp survivor who while talking about life in the Ghetto, talked about how much Torah they would learn each day, thinking that it might be his last.  That is they way to be a Torah Jew, to learn like each day is your last!  Here I sit, living like I will live forever!  Afterwards my wife and I went to the Kotel, where we prayed and poured our hearts out to Hashem.  Psalm 92 talks about G-d's kindness during the day and his faithfulness at night.  What is the difference?  in the daytime, ie when there is light, we can easily see all the chessed of Hashem, all the good that He does for us.  But in the nighttime, the dark periods in our life and in the history of the Jewish people, it is hard to see how everything is a chessed, in those periods like the holocaust, like the inquisition, like a lot of things, we can only talk about his faithfulness, and strengthen ourselves with knowing that day follows night.  After all the Torah says "there was evening and there was morning."

The path you want to go...

It is well known that Hashem leads a person on the path that they wish to go down.  If a person wants to go down a path that is disgusting, anti-Torah and the like, Hashem will lead him down that path, even as He "cries."  However if a person wants to go on a path that is Torah, emuna and filled with holiness, than Hashem will lead a person down that path if that is what he wants.  Hashem has led me down the path that I want to go and that is why I am typing this from the holy city, Jerusalem, on motzie Shabbos, as I prepare for another day of learning at the glorious yeshiva Chut Shel Chessed, also known as Rabbi Shalom Arush's yeshiva.  The learning is fantastic, and so are the people.  If a person wants to work on his relationship with God, this is a place to learn the tools to do so.  I look forward to all the learning that I will do in the coming days and weeks.  God willing look for more updates soon.

Responsibility

Today I was listening to a shiur, (which as of this writing I have not finished) by Rabbi Rietti, and he posited, that happiness is my own responsibility.  Something that I have known for a while on an intellectual level, but never felt down to my core, and this has had implications in my life in the past.  Often times I would feel that I'll be happy when...
I get a new phone
I lose weight
I get married
I get a new job
etc.  I am sure you can fill in your own things.
Now, if I am responsible for my own happiness, than that means that Hashem has given me reasons to be happy, otherwise how could I be responsible for it?  So, along my reasons to be happy I have come up with, I can see, eat, hear, talk, walk, I have a great wife, I have an apartment, I don't owe 3 billion dollars to the bank etc.  I am sure you can also come up with your own things to be happy.  So, if I am responsible for my own happiness, than it makes sense if I am also responsible for other things that I have control over, such as what I eat, how I dress, how much I work out or don't work out, how I perform at my job, how I act towards my wife, and how much of a relationship I want with Hashem.  Now if I am responsible for these areas, and more, than it is safe to assume that Hashem wants me to grow in those areas, and has given me the tools to do so. After all, I am a human so Hashem must want me to grow, is that is our job here on this planet, to grow.  Therefore, our biggest challenges are also our biggest areas for growth.  What does this mean?  You (I) have to take that first step.  Nothing happens until you make a move.

Devotions

In the Breslov literature, and especially in Rabbi Chaim Kramer's fabulous book on Reb Nosson called "Fire and Water" there is much talk of one's devotions towards Hashem.  Lately, I have seen my own devotions increase, in significant ways.  I am davening more than in most of my past, I have lately been learning and reading more Breslov Torah, I have been binding myself to the Tzaddik before davening and each evening, and the last two nights I have Kriat Sh'ma al Mita.  What does this all mean?  Lately, it means I have really been feeling very close to Hashem.  Do I still need more Emuna?  Yes, that was illustrated to me when I blew a tire earlier this week and was more upset about it than I should have been.  Do I spend enough time in Hisbodedus?  Not nearly enough, speaking to Hashem more in my own words is something I need to work at more.  Have I perfected myself, or my avodah?  Of course not, we are put on this earth to grow, and that is a lifelong process.  But, every so often, we get to look back and truly see progress, and while it hasn't lasted a long long time, it does seem as if progress is being made.

Goals

My wife is almost finished reading a book called "Being Happy" by Andrew Mathews, and she told me that I had to read the chapter on goals, she said that she got a lot out of it and I would to she felt if I also read the chapter.  So far I have read 15 pages of this chapter, and I have gotten a lot out of it.  One thing I realized is that I have never really had any goals in life, which is why I have sort of drifted through life and why I find myself at the age of almost  31, saying the same things that I have said for the past 4 years or so.  This year I am going to get that great job... this year I am going to lose weight... This year I will really learn Torah...  this year I am going to get married...  Well, at least that one I did accomplish about 11 months ago.  So perhaps it is time, and I have the time with a broken leg and all, to really sit down, figure out some goals for myself- short, medium, and long term goals, and then start attacking them.
Here goes.

You are what you eat.

Judaism would def agree with that statement, you are what you eat.  After all, it can be surmised that one of the reasons we keep kosher is because we are what we eat, and it is important to watch what goes into our bodies, not just for a spiritual reason, but also for a physical reason.  For this reason, my wife and I are- starting Sunday going to be really strict about what we eat, and only eat fruits and veggies for ten days, to promote health and wellbeing.  While we have both been very good about only putting kosher food into our system since we came religious, we have not been so good about putting in healthy food, and the results, sadly show.  Therefore, I am excited to try and limit my intake to veggies fruits and other no animal and ideally no sugar added (or corn startchy products) especially after watching some documentaries.  Ideally I'll be healthier and happier!

Joy

Rebbe Nachman says that joy is essential to our service of Hashem, as well as to our health and wellbeing.  It was one of his favorite topics to talk about, constantly striving to serve Hashem with joy, to be happy, etc.  Rabbi Arush and Rabbi Brody both continue to talk about striving to serve Hashem with joy as well.  This week I get to put this into practice an extra bit.  Saturday Night, while walking down some icy stairs in Chicago, I slipped, and before I knew it, I was flat on my back and my ankle was really sore.  So sore that I could hardly walk, and had to see a doctor.  Turns out I broke my leg, just above the ankle on the non weight bearing bone (Thank Hashem for that!)  Now, why do I mention this when talking about joy?  Because I could be all sad and depressed that I am not able to work, and am not able to do much as I used to, or I could remain upbeat, make jokes about the experience, and enjoy life with a smile on my face.  I admit this is not as big of a challenge as other people have, but for an independent guy, its still hard.  Perhaps the lesson here is that I need to recognize all the help that Hashem provides me with in my life, and be more grateful to the Ribbono Shel Olam for all that He does.

Quote from Rabbi J Schneersohn

"When a Jew studies Torah he feels like a student before Hashem. his teacher, Whose wisdom he is studying.  When he prays, he feels like a child before his father."  Sourced from Lessons in Tanya, volume 1 page 184 on the bottom.

Quote

Louis Jacobs writes:
"In Slabodka they taught: man is so great, how can he sin? In Navaradok they taught: man is so small, how dare he sin?"
I think if Rebbe Nachman would to have to chose one of the two Derechs, he would chose Slobadka.  After all the Rebbe's works are all about how much Hashem loves you no matter what, finding your good points, and recognizing your inner greatness, or gadlus.

Problems and background.

First things first, on the lighter side of things, I have a new background, which I found on the website: http://a-farbrengen.blogspot.com/
Much thanks to the Rabbi of the site for pointing to me where I could actually download the picture to use myself.
On the heavier side of things, I have problems, everybody does, and marriage just makes them worse in many cases, especially if you don't realize that you have them.  However, sometimes marriage allows you and forces you to confront these problems, and work on them in ways that you might not have been strong enough or able to do on your own.  One such problem I have had was with eating, I have always had a problem with eating ever since I got to college.  I never really learned how to self regulate my food intake, so I gained weight, cause I would always eat to much- eating was a very pleasurable activity, and since I did not have a lot of friends who I would eat by, I ate more than I should because I wasn't conversing in the middle of eating, which helps cut down on food intake.  Recently my wife and I decided to go to OA to try and get help with our eating and get it under control.  The other problem I have had also became much more of a problem in college, only I didn't realize it was such a problem until it almost cost me my marriage two months ago.  I am an internet porn addict.  Thank Hashem, I have been clean for almost 2 months now, steps have been taken to prevent the problem from being an issue in the immediate and long term sense, and I am getting help.  My message is, if you have a problem, admit it, seek help.  You will save major headaches if you can sense a problem before it becomes worse.  A Moshal if you will:  Getting a cavity drilled, and filled involves a little bit of pain, time and money.  But if you ignore the problem, getting a crown or even a root canal, involves a lot more pain, time and money.  There is no shame in getting help, only in not getting it.

Growth

Human beings are meant to grow.  We are meant to change, over time for the better.  Our traits are meant to be improved upon, slowly over time, we are supposed to be more patient, less angry, more giving, less stingy, etc.  Judaism says that if you want to be happy, you have to be growing.  It is commonly said that if you are not growing in your Judaism, you are sinking, there is no standing still, and if you feel that you are standing still, than you are for sure sinking!  The Vilna Gaon says that we were put on this earth in order to grow.  Also, Rabbi Schafier of the Shmuz says that we are only going to truly be happy when we are growing, and coming closer to Hashem, something Chassidus says as well.  Rabbi Schafier likens this world to a gym, a world of growth, sweat, and hard work, and then we can enjoy the spa of the afterlife after all the hard work we put in down here.  If you have ever taken a shower after a nice workout, than you certainly know what that feels like.  Only, heaven is over a million times better than that.

Update

As I wrote in my last post, I have been really struggling in my avodas Hashem, things are getting better, I am learning more than I was before, and even though I am not doing all that I should, I have more desire to serve Hashem than I did.  Not totally sure what has done it, I have made it a point to read and learn more mussar, and I talked to a friend about my lack of desire on and for Shabbos, he suggested that I visit the Mikvah before Shabbos, and it seems to have worked.  I do look forward to starting to learn Tanya again tomorrow, and reintroducing more Chassidus into my life.

Finding your path

Confession:  Lately I have been struggling with my Avodas Hashem.  I have not really wanted to get up for davening, I haven't really been davening period, and getting up even on Shabbos has been non existant.  It has been horrible, I have really struggled.  Thankfully I have been shomer Shabbos, and shomer Kashrut, which is a good thing since my job depends on it.  Lately, due to events in my life that I will not share about here, maybe ever, I have found myself more interested in the mussar path within Judaism, and have shied away from Chassidus for now, not totally mind you, just not front and center.  Both movements place emphasis on a person's relationship with Hashem, but focus on different aspects of it.  Once I understand the goals of both more, I look to discuss more in depth, but for now, I will leave it at the fact that Chassidus in general focuses on the greatness of Hashem, whereas Musar looks more at the lowliness of a person, although, Slobadka focuses on the greatness a person could attain.

Patience

I always used to say that patience was a virtue I had little time for.  It was always meant to be a joke, but the truth is, is that patience is something I've needed to work on for a while now.  It was not at the top of my list of things I needed to improve, many others come to mind, but there are times where I could be more patient than I have been, mainly with my wife.  The Ribbono Shel Olam saw this, and of course arranged for me to have a job that would hopefully teach me many such middot that I need to work on, including holding back and not giving in to desires (something I need to work on) and patience.  As a manager/mashgiach for a kosher restaurant I have to have patience each and every time I check a bag of lettuce for salads, because I never know how many washes it will take before it is bug free, and it will be my head that rolls if I miss them, either down here or up there.  Also, since food is always available and around me I have to work on my strength (not always- scratch that never easy) and not just take random snacks.
But, above all I am glad to have a job and the chance to improve myself while at work.  What more could a person ask for?

The K-O-G

In Yeshiva my friends and I joked all the time about the K-O-G.  What is the K-O-G?  It means the Kiss of G-d (Hashem).  We first learned about this when our Rabbi in Yeshiva told us that when Dovid killed Goliath, instead of falling backwards like would be suspected, he fell forwards, just so Dovid did not have to walk so far to cut off his head.  Succos is a holiday for all, anybody, Jew and non Jew alike could bring an offering to Hashem on Succos.  Shimini Atzeres, the 8th day, was only for the Jews, 7 is nature, and 8 is above nature.  The 8th day, or Shimini Atzeres reminds us Jews that we are above nature, we are Hashem's beloved, and we gain so much good so many brachot on Shimini Atzeres, because it shows how much we love Hashem, because we are willing to spend just that extra day with him.  Shimini Atzeres, is a perfect example of a K-O-G.

yartzeit

Tonight is the yartzeit of Rabbenu Nachman.  On yartzeits it is important to do something to memorialize the fallen, whether that is learning in a person's honor, or if the person has put out Torah lessons of his own, to learn those lessons.  We are lucky that Rebbe Nachman has left us a treasure trove of Torah to learn from, so tonight, it is important to just learn something from him, even to just contemplate on one of his many teachings or quotes.  So here is one to think about.
"All the world is a narrow bridge, the important thing is not to be afraid."

Chessed

Hashem blessed me with a job today.  After two months of being jobless, and applying to countless jobs, and getting almost zero responses, and if I got a response, it was no, I finally got a job.  It was a long two months, frustrating at times, but I tried, I tried so hard to keep my faith in Hashem, and I admit, it wavered at times, "why is this happening?"  "What does Hashem want from me?" etc.  It was hard, but then on Thursday, I got a call from somebody I had only met a few times before, and I am not even sure how he got my number.  He said that he was leaving, and that I should meet with his boss.  I met with the boss the next day Friday, and his boss said now is not a good time, come back on Monday, I did that, and then I was pushed off till Monday afternoon.  I came back, we sat down, I thought the meeting went well, and the job is mine on a trial basis.  The job is in an industry I never thought I would work in, with responsibilities I never have had before, and I look forward to proving to Hashem, my boss, my new customers and co workers, and of course myself that I can handle it all.
Thank you Hashem for the chessed you have shown me, even though my faith wavered at times.  Thank you thank you and Thank you!

Taking stock

Elul is a time for taking stock of the past year- of recognizing all the good that we did, and those areas where we fell short.  Perhaps we (I) may have even done some bad, even truly bad stuff, and not just failed to do good, or better.  It is all to often to get caught up in all the areas that we fell short, where we feel that growth wasn't made, or even worse, where we went backwards.  For me that list might include the following things:
Since Rosh Hashana 5772 I have failed to make noticeable or discernable improvement in the following areas:
Weightloss
Coming closer to Hashem
Hisbodedut
Being a better Jew
Being a better son
Being a better anything
Not being lazy
Studying the works of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
Focusing more on Emuna and belief in Hashem
etc.
The list could go on and on, the point is, we often get stuck in a trap where we focus only on what we failed to do; which is what the Yetzer Hara wants from us.  He wants us to focus on where we fell short, not because he wants us to get down on ourselves and feel like a loser.  However, that is not what Hashem wants, while Hashem wants us to admit where we failed, and be sad that by failing we brought displeasure to Him, He wants us to use those failures as a springboard to growth.  However, we still have to admit where we failed, and often admitting, is both the hardest and the first step to real change.  How can we change if we can't even admit to where we went wrong?  A list of things that I need to do Teshuva for would include the following items:
Not always putting on Tefillin
Not always davening 3x a day, or even 1x a day!
Not always speaking nicely to my wife
Being lazy
Not always having full Emuna
Not having the best concentration when making a before or after Brocha
etc.
Now, while Hashem doesn't want you to feel like a loser, unlike the YH (Yetzer Hara) he does want us to cry at how far we have fallen, and call out to him and say "Daddy I have messed up.  I really really want to come home, but I have screwed up so badly that I don't even know the way home.  Please help me."  After all, a parent really only wants the child to say sorry and admit where he went wrong- at the very least to say sorry!
He also wants us to admit and to realize just all that we got right.  This is important to, Rabbi Nachman says we have to recognize the good in everybody, especially ourselves!  Some of the things I got right this year include:
Guarding my eyes more (though I admit I have a long way to go on this)
Eating healthier (At times, it is important to celebrate even the small victories, even if you eventually fall, because remembering the small victories will help you get back up again.)
Saying pleasant things to my wife
Learning Torah
etc.
We do Teshuva for the bad, we thank Hashem for allowing us to do all the good we did, and we keep trying.  That is what Elul is all about, getting back up once we have fallen down.