Finding your path

Confession:  Lately I have been struggling with my Avodas Hashem.  I have not really wanted to get up for davening, I haven't really been davening period, and getting up even on Shabbos has been non existant.  It has been horrible, I have really struggled.  Thankfully I have been shomer Shabbos, and shomer Kashrut, which is a good thing since my job depends on it.  Lately, due to events in my life that I will not share about here, maybe ever, I have found myself more interested in the mussar path within Judaism, and have shied away from Chassidus for now, not totally mind you, just not front and center.  Both movements place emphasis on a person's relationship with Hashem, but focus on different aspects of it.  Once I understand the goals of both more, I look to discuss more in depth, but for now, I will leave it at the fact that Chassidus in general focuses on the greatness of Hashem, whereas Musar looks more at the lowliness of a person, although, Slobadka focuses on the greatness a person could attain.

Patience

I always used to say that patience was a virtue I had little time for.  It was always meant to be a joke, but the truth is, is that patience is something I've needed to work on for a while now.  It was not at the top of my list of things I needed to improve, many others come to mind, but there are times where I could be more patient than I have been, mainly with my wife.  The Ribbono Shel Olam saw this, and of course arranged for me to have a job that would hopefully teach me many such middot that I need to work on, including holding back and not giving in to desires (something I need to work on) and patience.  As a manager/mashgiach for a kosher restaurant I have to have patience each and every time I check a bag of lettuce for salads, because I never know how many washes it will take before it is bug free, and it will be my head that rolls if I miss them, either down here or up there.  Also, since food is always available and around me I have to work on my strength (not always- scratch that never easy) and not just take random snacks.
But, above all I am glad to have a job and the chance to improve myself while at work.  What more could a person ask for?

The K-O-G

In Yeshiva my friends and I joked all the time about the K-O-G.  What is the K-O-G?  It means the Kiss of G-d (Hashem).  We first learned about this when our Rabbi in Yeshiva told us that when Dovid killed Goliath, instead of falling backwards like would be suspected, he fell forwards, just so Dovid did not have to walk so far to cut off his head.  Succos is a holiday for all, anybody, Jew and non Jew alike could bring an offering to Hashem on Succos.  Shimini Atzeres, the 8th day, was only for the Jews, 7 is nature, and 8 is above nature.  The 8th day, or Shimini Atzeres reminds us Jews that we are above nature, we are Hashem's beloved, and we gain so much good so many brachot on Shimini Atzeres, because it shows how much we love Hashem, because we are willing to spend just that extra day with him.  Shimini Atzeres, is a perfect example of a K-O-G.

yartzeit

Tonight is the yartzeit of Rabbenu Nachman.  On yartzeits it is important to do something to memorialize the fallen, whether that is learning in a person's honor, or if the person has put out Torah lessons of his own, to learn those lessons.  We are lucky that Rebbe Nachman has left us a treasure trove of Torah to learn from, so tonight, it is important to just learn something from him, even to just contemplate on one of his many teachings or quotes.  So here is one to think about.
"All the world is a narrow bridge, the important thing is not to be afraid."

Chessed

Hashem blessed me with a job today.  After two months of being jobless, and applying to countless jobs, and getting almost zero responses, and if I got a response, it was no, I finally got a job.  It was a long two months, frustrating at times, but I tried, I tried so hard to keep my faith in Hashem, and I admit, it wavered at times, "why is this happening?"  "What does Hashem want from me?" etc.  It was hard, but then on Thursday, I got a call from somebody I had only met a few times before, and I am not even sure how he got my number.  He said that he was leaving, and that I should meet with his boss.  I met with the boss the next day Friday, and his boss said now is not a good time, come back on Monday, I did that, and then I was pushed off till Monday afternoon.  I came back, we sat down, I thought the meeting went well, and the job is mine on a trial basis.  The job is in an industry I never thought I would work in, with responsibilities I never have had before, and I look forward to proving to Hashem, my boss, my new customers and co workers, and of course myself that I can handle it all.
Thank you Hashem for the chessed you have shown me, even though my faith wavered at times.  Thank you thank you and Thank you!

Taking stock

Elul is a time for taking stock of the past year- of recognizing all the good that we did, and those areas where we fell short.  Perhaps we (I) may have even done some bad, even truly bad stuff, and not just failed to do good, or better.  It is all to often to get caught up in all the areas that we fell short, where we feel that growth wasn't made, or even worse, where we went backwards.  For me that list might include the following things:
Since Rosh Hashana 5772 I have failed to make noticeable or discernable improvement in the following areas:
Weightloss
Coming closer to Hashem
Hisbodedut
Being a better Jew
Being a better son
Being a better anything
Not being lazy
Studying the works of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
Focusing more on Emuna and belief in Hashem
etc.
The list could go on and on, the point is, we often get stuck in a trap where we focus only on what we failed to do; which is what the Yetzer Hara wants from us.  He wants us to focus on where we fell short, not because he wants us to get down on ourselves and feel like a loser.  However, that is not what Hashem wants, while Hashem wants us to admit where we failed, and be sad that by failing we brought displeasure to Him, He wants us to use those failures as a springboard to growth.  However, we still have to admit where we failed, and often admitting, is both the hardest and the first step to real change.  How can we change if we can't even admit to where we went wrong?  A list of things that I need to do Teshuva for would include the following items:
Not always putting on Tefillin
Not always davening 3x a day, or even 1x a day!
Not always speaking nicely to my wife
Being lazy
Not always having full Emuna
Not having the best concentration when making a before or after Brocha
etc.
Now, while Hashem doesn't want you to feel like a loser, unlike the YH (Yetzer Hara) he does want us to cry at how far we have fallen, and call out to him and say "Daddy I have messed up.  I really really want to come home, but I have screwed up so badly that I don't even know the way home.  Please help me."  After all, a parent really only wants the child to say sorry and admit where he went wrong- at the very least to say sorry!
He also wants us to admit and to realize just all that we got right.  This is important to, Rabbi Nachman says we have to recognize the good in everybody, especially ourselves!  Some of the things I got right this year include:
Guarding my eyes more (though I admit I have a long way to go on this)
Eating healthier (At times, it is important to celebrate even the small victories, even if you eventually fall, because remembering the small victories will help you get back up again.)
Saying pleasant things to my wife
Learning Torah
etc.
We do Teshuva for the bad, we thank Hashem for allowing us to do all the good we did, and we keep trying.  That is what Elul is all about, getting back up once we have fallen down.

Daf Yomi

It is really amazing what a simple decision can do for a person in just a short amount of time.  Last week, or two weeks ago I made the decision that I wanted to start the 13th cycle of daf yomi, I had been increasing my learning of mussar over that time, but still felt a disconnect from the Source of everything- Hashem.  So, I told my wife that I wanted to start and she was very kind and encouraging- not that I expected anything less from my Aishes Chayil!

Exactly one week ago, I attending the Chicago Siyum HaShas, and it was truly inspirational, from the local Divrei Torah, to Rabbi Frand's speech given in New York, I was fired up like never before to learn!  The next day I had to get up early for shacharis (something I have always struggled with) for a friend's daughter's naming.  The next friday, the very next day actually was the first day for my shiur of the daf yomi cycle.  I went, even attended a 6am shiur before davening! (Look at me!) and made it through day one unscathed.  Fast forward to today, and I have attended every shiur, been to shacharis on time every day, and feel closer to my wife and to Hashem.  Now, I just need to increase my chassidus learning, and all will be good. :)